Rules of Houston, H-Town, 3-rd Coast, Bayou City, The Dirty 3rd, or whatever you wanna call it.
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is “Hue-stun,” not “Ewe-stun”, or “house-tun” Oh yeah, it is pronounced “San Phil-ee-pay,” not”San Phil-eep” (San Felipe). Enunciate!
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules…Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, “Go down to Loop 610″…. which has no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic… a “Scenic Drive.”
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic’s way.
7. Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrases, “Oh, we must be in Pasadena!” or “God, I hate Baytown!” or “Mmm, smell that Texas City!”
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer is at least 45mph.
3. The rod iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, “Keep honking, I’m reloading.” In fact, don’t honk at anyone.
15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.
16. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
17. If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.
19. If you live in Katy and I live on the south side of Houston we’ll never hang out.
20. The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 am is Whataburger will serve both breakfast and normal menus.
21. You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.
22. You don’t have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
23. Elsewhere, they are called frontage roads… Here in Houston, they are called FEEDER roads, so don’t look stupid when we say “Exit the feeder road and then use the loop.” (I call it the ACCESS ROAD, which is unique to Houston, too.)
If you don’t live here, most of this will sound utterly insane, but to all of us who call this home..nothing but the truth. and you know it!!!